I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
