I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
