I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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