I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
