Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
