How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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