bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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