Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
