She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
