I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
he just fucked me for my cheese.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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