I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
