Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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