I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
