hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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