Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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