dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
