Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
