Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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