Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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