Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
