Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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