3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
