if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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