Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
