you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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