you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
