And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
