Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
