I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
