I don't usually arrange sex via text message
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just found a bag of teeth...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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