Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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