i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
