i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
