textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
