this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
