he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
