goodnight i made you a song goodbye
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
