Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i dont even know how to be here
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
