I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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