OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
