I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
