even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
