i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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