alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
