Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
