Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And then he peed in my hair
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