i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
