why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
