I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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