So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
