So drunk its hurt
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
