i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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