My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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